Broken Cistern | 4 weeks later
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4 weeks later

Still very much feel overwhelmed and not understanding what God is doing. So many times I’ve tried to make confession work, but I’ve had to submit to my God-given authorities in my life. Can there be healing in silence? Can there be restoration in inactivity? Maybe God has more work to do. But it’s been heavily laid on my heart that my own relationship with God must be strong. 4 weeks of abstinence. 4 weeks of waiting. 4 weeks of self-control. Had you said to me last year that I’d be in this position, I wouldn’t of believed you. I thought we had it all together, minus a few bumps we were strong. I thought we were okay. And whether I would have been able to be pure for 4 weeks, I’d of laughed (to my shame!). But by God’s grace, that is the reality. By God’s renewal in me, that has happened. But what about that thought of self-sufficiency?

But God smashed that to pieces – because it’s not my kingdom. Now I’m seeking His kingdom first. And I simply don’t understand what’s happening.

Took my second shower today – I’m getting tempted more and more as time goes by, and I’m holding out to the hope that the pleasures at God’s right hand are for more desirable than any few seconds of pleasure I can do myself. And I’ve also learned that my motivation for self-control was human-centered, and because God wasn’t my focus, I replaced that with my wife which wasn’t a strong enough compulsion to stay strong. But I can confidently say that I can stay self-controlled because He is now my higher motivation. My previous marriage was human-centered, which is not sustainable. God knows and see’s all things, you can’t sneak around Him while his back is turned. But also there is a way of escape when we have temptations. God has really spoken to my selfish tendencies: As my body is not my own, I’ve been bought at a price. And I do not have authority over my body, as I must yield it to my wife.

I cannot wait for the day when I can present myself and gloriously tell her how I have been waiting – with no expectations – but purely just say “How can I serve you next?”

It’s not about me. That’s the element of love that has been lacking in our previous marriage. But praise God I’ve learnt this critical lesson now! This is the highest act of being selfless, for me an impatient, lustful sinner to wait without expectation. May God keep me strong & resolved!

I’m also getting intense feelings of missing my dear wife. And the more I think about it, the harder it gets. All I want to do is grab her, and say “I’m different, and I will show you.” And I want to carry her safely home, and cherish her every day. I haven’t treated her right. I haven’t honoured her body, or made her feel wanted, good enough or perfect. The idea of reading devotions together, and doing life feels so different and so wonderful. I feel there’s a completely different motivation for loving my wife. And I cannot wait to present myself to her and say “I am not the man you know.”

“You’ve never had one day of selfless love for your wife.” And that is true. But with Christ, all things are possible and despite my endless failures, I feel now I have a steadfast spirit in me which is walking with God. When I contrast how I’ve been living, with how I now want to live, it’s completely different. And all I want to do is take my bride home, and love her, give myself up for her and truly treat her like a Queen. Read this awesome quote:

Many men have second-rate wives because they treat them in a second-rate manner. They never gain the real queen they would like to be married to; they just do not realize that the wife in many ways is a reflection of her husband. The wife is elevated to a queenly position by the wise and loving husband who puts into operation the great principles of the God-planned marriage. Intended for pleasure

Hope. Immense Hope

This is what God speaks about those who have been unfaithful. But gives immense hope. From John Piper

“‘Return, faithless Israel,’ declares the Lord,
    ‘I will frown on you no longer,
for I am faithful,’ declares the Lord,
    ‘I will not be angry forever.
Only acknowledge your guilt—
    you have rebelled against the Lord your God,
Jeremiah 3:12-13

Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
    and bring her into the wilderness,
    and speak tenderly to her.
And there I will give her her vineyards
    and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth,
    as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt.
Hosea 2:14-15

2 Impossible Miracles Need to Happen

Miracles that seem impossible for a marriage to survive and thrive again:

Miracle #1
Only by being overwhelmed — and I mean stunned— with our own forgiveness from Jesus, at the cost of his infinitely valuable life, will we be able to forgive such a horrible and painful betrayal as adultery

Miracle #2
Repentance meaning a deep change of heart that hates to sin and turns toward utter faithfulness. Being forgiven is not a right to be demanded, but a gift of grace to be received with humility and thankfulness and tears.