09 Mar A letter to my old self
By the time you read this you’ll be a different person. It’s nothing you’ve done in yourself to bring this change, that is simply down to God pursuing you. You didn’t deserve any of that, in fact you were drowning so badly in sin, that you became so disillusioned, you actually thought you were doing the right thing. You weren’t. By this time you’ll be nearly 5 weeks separated from your wife. She left you. You broke her heart.
She doesn’t want divorce, she just wants a husband. She doesn’t want to be alone, she wants to be loved. She doesn’t want to be afraid, she wants to be protected. She doesn’t want to hurt any more, she wants healing. She doesn’t want a wicked man, she wants a godly man. She doesn’t want to feel not good enough, she wants to feel cherished. She doesn’t want to feel unwanted, she wants to feel like she is the only one. She wants you. But not the old you.
Right now, your new self has complete pleasure. It’s lasting. And it doesn’t stop. And to your surprise it’s without sex, masturbation or selfishness. The things you think is fun, enjoyable and arousing, you’ll soon find out it’s nothing but ash. You’re currently in the act of trading the goodness of God and the life He has given you, and you’re exchanging that for broken cisterns that hold no water. It’s empty. And pleasure cannot be your god. You will always struggle to always believe this, but the pleasures at God’s right hand are way better than a few seconds of pleasure you bring upon yourself. But it’s not how you feel, it’s about having the faith to believe it.
God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.2 Timothy 1:7
Right now, you feel discontent, even after the best, most sensual sex. You’re never satisfied, and deep down you know that. You have no contentment. But I’m writing this because I have found that. So far the new self hasn’t released in 5 weeks. The new you has been pure, you’ve been self-controlled and you feel close to God. God has broken you. The storm has come. God everything taken away. No more idols. Be prepared to lose all so that you can gain Christ – in Him you have everything. You can’t believe that now, but soon you will find it to be true. You will still be a sinner, but you also will fight hard to be a saint.
Right now, you don’t feel connected. You don’t have relationship with your wife. You feel distant, cold and apathetic to the bride you once adored. What has changed? You’ve chosen sin over relationship, sin over joy, sin over satisfaction. God breaks that. And right now, the most important relationship is only starting to grow. That vertical relationship that was missing, is now being repaired. Your future self is walking with God. And there’s no turning back, wife or no wife.
Right now, you are completely hooked by sin. You are so ravaged by this tornado, that you cannot even stop. You have no conscience, you have no soul and you have a black-blooded heart. Your wife will leave you. And your family will be broken. And your house will be in ruins. You’ve kept choosing sin. And that has been your master. But now – the new self is born of Spirit. You have a new heart within you – not by anything you’ve accomplished – but down to a God who has broken, healed and saved you. God has been so good to you. You’re no longer a slave, but counted as a son of God. You have been a prodigal, yet you have rejected sin and you’re choosing to walk with God.
You life right now is a mess. But God delights in You. You don’t feel it now, but you will. God will discipline you and you will feel his burning, yet kind love. Christ will become a reality to you, the Father will be near to you and the Holy Spirit will dwell within you. You will never feel so free. You will have joy, peace and contentment in knowing Him. You will taste and see that God is truly good.
But for now, keep sinning. For now keep breaking your wife’s heart. You need to go so deep into sin, that you cannot claim you’ve fixed yourself. God will continue to push you to an end of yourself that all you can say is “Salvation is of the Lord” when He will drag you up out of the pit, and set your feet upon a Rock. Until then, break yourself. Don’t try to be a better person. No. Be lost, so that you can be found by the Saviour.
“Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen.”Jude 24–25
He is a good God and you will experience that in ways you cannot even imagine. He cannot promise to make your life amazing because it’s not your life. However, He does promise you peace and righteousness which is above anything you can dream about. Walking with God: That is life worth living.
Your future self