06 Feb A tap on the shoulder – from God Himself
My kingdom has come crashing down. My wife found my viewing history on Covenant Eyes. Game over. I had no excuses or lies to tell. Two slaps and I had lost my wife.
Although I was sick of running and tired of the addiction, I wasn’t remorseful.
I called my pastor and both sets of parents. We had to bring this into the open and my wife simply didn’t know what to do. Shortly after the call, my pastor comes by. He solemnly says “You will lose your wife” and he then gave permission for her to call him any time I do it again. It became instantly clear that this was ultimately the last choice I’d ever get to make. The penny dropped.
My pastor went on to explain that the Holy Spirit cannot indwell a heart that is filthy. In one sense, the Spirit is like a sensitive Dove, and therefore is easily scared away. Through my habitual sinning, I had killed my conscience.
What followed on that dark day was an explosion reaction by my wive’s parents, and understandably so. They had considered me a strong, godly young man who was well suited for their daughter. How wrong they were. Their world abruptly came to a halt when I confessed to them what happened.
The burning question was “How long should a wife put up with this unrepentant behaviour?”
My conscience was dead. So was my marriage.
No matter how sneaky the loophole, God still saw it. My sin had found me out. The iPhone was destroying with a terrific smash, ripping the splintered screen from the casing. Partly it was a relief to get rid of my ‘master’ I was enslaved to, but what followed was a detailed interrogation of what I saw. My wife wouldn’t accept vague answers, but pushed for detail. That was hard. I didn’t want to tell her as I knew it’d pain her to know that once again her husband has been unfaithful.
I had a blatant disregard for God as I consumed pornography. What was worse was that I’d switch to ‘godly-mode’ and would seamlessly switch persona. But after today, it became clear that I could not serve two masters any longer. In my mind, I was trying to live the prodigal life, yet return back to the father (with two pigs under my arm). It wasn’t possible. No more faking it.
One thing I knew to be clear was that my motivation for change can no longer be my wife. I’ve done that too many times before. Self-reliance only took me so far. I needed help. I needed a higher power.