20 Apr And just like that
The crescendo of the week began with a phone call, the final one.
I didn’t expect the discussion to go as well as it could. For starters, it was just so good to hear her voice after weeks of not talking. It was kind, thoughtful and rich. Even though it had painful and bitter undertones, there was a calm peace about the call. There was no strife.
I am so glad I was braced for the call, as I could of easily reacted with pure emotion. However, I took it. I accepted it. And just like that, it was over.
I didn’t have a lot to say, other than agree that the marriage is not worth saving. Why would we work to resurrect a relationship that wasn’t centred on God? However, the main point I was trying to gently suggest was “What if God does change me, and heal you… what then?” There’s no promise I can keep or no waiting she can do, however is this still part of God’s plan?
Marriage vows are for life. “Let man not separate what God has joined together.” No amount of sin or divorce paper can separate the God-ward covenant. Sin doesn’t originate from God, and filing for divorce is also from man. So I’m trying to figure out, “God, When is it over? Surely it’s over when You say it’s over.” But I don’t know. I still will wear my wedding band until my wife replaces it with a new one (renewed or new vows).
I’m now entering a new chapter of my life. One of pain. She is entering a similar journey. I don’t know what God has in store for me. But what is certain is that I have found the pearl of greatest price and that God can be my contentment. I may be tempted to let it all go, give up or feel resentment. But those thoughts get banished whenever I think on God. He is and must remain the ‘object of my first desire.’ My wife can never fill that gap. Sex can never satisfy. Money can never bring contentment. This is only found in God. Do I trust that? Do I believe that?
On a practical level, I’ve never lived by myself properly. The isolation has taught me a lot about myself. And with COVID-19, you get to be very familiar with the routine of life. And there are small triggers than you can identify, such as drinking coffee, being awake at midnight or even going for a walk at certain times can really effect moods.
Am I a denialist? I think I have a tendency to block out the pain and find methods to numb the hurt. But I’d like to think that the smiles and the peace I have are not manufactured by me. And the change I’ve experienced has not been wrestled into existence by my brainpower or strength. Instead these ‘good and perfect gifts are from above.’ God’s grace is sufficient for me.
Psalm 4 is excellent:
In peace I will both lie down and sleep;Psalm 4:8
for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.
It’s my prayer that she experiences this same peace.