Broken Cistern | Break me further, God!
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Break me further, God!

I’ve been so convicted these past few days. I’ve been told to keep my head and not give my wife any ammunition to be hurt (aka, stop being a fool). But the biggest challenges I’ve had from God is in these three areas:

  • The deep hurt I’ve caused my wife.
  • The untameable tongue.
  • The impatience & not trusting God.

This is life
Even during this time however, I’ve had peace. But I’ve also felt far from God. I’m still trying to return to that place of walking with God. And sin and disappointment drag me away from that closeness to God. I feel now I’m in the fight, now I’m in the daily trenches. I’m not walking on rose petals, but broken glass. This is what perseverance is, laying aside the weights and running the race with endurance – looking to Christ.

Deep hurt
When you’re so wrapped up in selfishness it stops you from realising someone’s hurt. In general, I feel God has highlighted the biggest hurt into three areas: the horrific sin against her, her fractured self-image and her broken trust. God has really revealed and given insight into my wife’s heart, even though we’ve not spoken or had contact. And I’m brokenhearted about it. It’s so sinful, so damaging and so destroyed. I’m so sorry. As my Grandmother said to me on a call, “You need to cherish her.” God, give me a chance to do that right!

It’s a blessing & a curse
I’ve been greatly challenged in the way I deal with the situation. I’ve got much a log in my own eye, and I’m getting worked up about seeing someone else speck. I’m constantly reminded that I’m the sinner in this situation. And therefore I have to tame my tongue, speaking peace!

Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamour, slander be put away from you with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you.

Ephesians 4:31

This verse is a huge challenge to me. I was listening to the radio and the reading was from James about taming the tongue. I should not bless God, yet curse other people. It should not be so. I’d get emotionally worked up (with the stress of finding work and paying the mortgage) and then lash out. And so that’s been a major challenge to me. It’s wrong to bless God and yet curse man. No matter how stressful life is, there’s no excuse for an untameable tongue.

John Piper says “Impatience is a loss of contentment in God – our plan not proceeding as we had hoped.” Enough said.