Broken Cistern | Counting the blessings
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Counting the blessings

Past few days feeling incredibly low. There are many factors here. There’s sin, there’s isolation, there’s a constant regret numbness I long to shake free and there’s the pressure of the current climate.

It’s an interesting lesson though. Am I truly content in God? Because now with COVID-19, I’m no longer able to meet with Christian brothers. And now I feel very lonely. Was I just using those brothers as a temporary crutch? I also know that it’s not good for man to be alone. That’s not God’s plan.

So how do I cope? I’ve got to preach to myself. I’ve been going on long late night walks. Being cooped up inside the house is depressing. And so I have to keep persisting with this.

Really trying to keep my head, and continue to walk with God. Not saying anything rash to my wife. I’m glad we’re able to be in contact, even if it’s just finance related. I’m really trying hard to do what I can to be selfless and not make any stupid mistakes. I hope that even when I do, she can see how apologetic I am. My previous problem was that I would justify myself, shift responsibility or make excuses. But that’s not Godly. I also have been so convicted around my own sin, how it’s a log in my own eye and how I’m not the victim. Sure my life is hard, but I have to keep my head.

Whilst I feel downcast at this tough time, I can’t forget the amazing things God has done for me. I have a new job. I have finances. And I still have a marriage, even though it’s held together by a thin thread of hope. I’m also thankful for my church family, one brother dropped round loads of food tonight. I can’t forget all of these things God has put in my life. He IS good. And the minute I take my eyes off the goodness of God, my life is filled with the darkness of sin. Count my blessings.

One thing I’d love to happen is to start it all over again. I don’t know my wife. Yet we’re so connected (with life, but also the hurt).

Achievement this week: snipping the TV power cord. Loving it.

Glad I now have an accountability partner. He has done my soul good, and has strengthened me in my fight against sin.