Broken Cistern | I’m a prisoner of Grace – don’t let me out
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I’m a prisoner of Grace – don’t let me out

Started this week with a disappointment strangling my victory. My heart is still not to be trusted, so I came to God saying “Against You only have I sinned.” Because it’s not mine, my wife’s or parents standard I compare myself. I asked God to search me and know. I’ve asked Him to shine a light into my darkness. Cutting through my pride & self-righteousness, God has shown me how I have been unwise. With this in mind therefore, no other relationship is more important: as it’s against God.

How can a young person stay on the path of purity? By living according to your word.

Psalm 119:9

It’s easy to lose heart and feel disappointed. But I’m not here to please man. I’m not even here to impress anyone else. It’s for God – that’s my highest purpose in life. “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.” Gal 6:9 . God gives and takes away. Wife or no wife, I’m here to glorify God with my mind, body & soul. “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight.” And with each victory or failure, I’m resolved to keep my eyes focused on my Saviour. Nothing else. Everything else is sinking sand.

It’s typical of the Christian life, isn’t it: whenever we have a solid victory it is always accompanied with a fault. It just shows how God removes self-reliance and is a test of our true faith.

For as long as I can remember, the idea of being single was a horrifying thought. And tonight I’ve really considered this. In my house, I’ve moved fully into a single box room, verses and notes scattered all over the place, with books sprawled everywhere (and books I’ve bought not stolen!). And for the first time ever in my life, I feel content. “But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it.” (1 Timothy 6:6). I feel I have a renewed walk with God. And I want to keep seeking God’s kingdom first. I have nothing I can bring in or take out of this world. All I have is Christ. And for so long building my own kingdom has meant that I walk away from God. But that’s been squashed. And now I’m in this small room, almost like a prisoner of grace. And I’m happy. God is good. My full satisfaction & pleasure is in Him.

He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Phil 1:6

Really was blessed listening to Secret Sins sermon by Ryan Fullerton. I really liked the Psalm 32 references but also the element of discipline. David pleaded with God to remove the discipline, and God heard his cry. And whilst it’s not my entire focus, I am on my knees praying that God will end this discipline of my wife being separated. But the highest prayer is one of praise – God has treated me not as I deserve.

I remember I’d always talk about living life with no regrets, and only now walking in the Spirit do I feel that that mantra can be a reality. The ability to sleep with a clear conscience before God is precious. And unconfessed sin destroyed my bones. However forsaking the sins is such a blessing – I wish I did this sooner!

Still thinking about this quote: “What a man is on his own is a measure of his religion” – not so that I can boast in what I can do, but in my weakness depend on Christ. Life is real. Only God is able to see what I’m doing. To be honest this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My wife isn’t here to see how many sermons I’m listening to, only God knows. And He will vindicate me. Praise God for Christ. This isolation has been a blessing, and I think God for this discipline. And this process has given me immense peace.