10 Mar For the days when you’re not victorious
My borderline self-righteous bubble has popped. And I’m glad it did. I’m not glad I sinned, I’m just glad to know that I’m a sinner. What do I mean?
Well for the past 4 weeks I’ve experienced an overwhelming blessing from God. And it felt like invincibility mode. I was victorious over sin. It was that headstart I had. And I was rejoicing in the Lord. To others it may have comes across as boasting or being self-confident. I believe I did truly rejoice in the Lord.
Yet after 2.5 hours of temptation, last night I sinned. I sinned against God. And straight after giving in to the Devil, I felt the Spirit within me say “Well, was that worth it?” And it wasn’t. I had grieved the Holy Spirit and felt a pain within me. I broke His laws. For a brief moment, I chose the creation of pleasure rather than the creator of pleasure. And it was wrong. At first I thought “I’ve let my wife, counsellor and pastor down…” but actually I had let God down.
That was a hard night. I had tried to fight it. And it showed me my weakness and how I desperately need the Spirit. I had a loud screaming from my conscience. And I couldn’t sleep until I had confessed it and nailed it to the cross.
Now I need to change my perspective. Instead of counting days, I need to count minutes. I need to simply make sure that this way of life is simply a daily picking up my cross. Instead of counting my days pure (as if it’s some kind of points system), I need to simply ensure I lay my head on the pillow with a clear conscience.
The things I do for Him, the things I do for my wife should be selfless and holy. And here’s another way it’s not about me!
Throughout all of today, I have this dull ache inside me: guilt. And although I have confessed it, the frustration and disappointment is so strong. When I think about what even that sin did to my saviour, it makes me really upset. Have mercy upon me a sinner!
Far too often this month I’ve been tempted to be the super holy “saint” when actually I’m just as much a sinner as I am a saint. And I can’t pretend I’m something I’m not.
I love this quote from Glen Scrivener “It’s incredibly wearying being “righteous”. Project Justify-Me is like the computer program running in the background taking up all your memory. That’s the whole point of the gospel. And this is why we confess our sins. It’s a life-giving spiritual practice. When we try to be anything else it leads to pride, shame, despair or hardness. But in confession we can simply be sinners. That’s who we are. And that’s who Jesus came for.”