11 Feb I don’t know who’s doing the changing: me or the Spirt?
Very strange. Able to walk to work this week with my eyes down to the floor accompanied with a mindful scripture verses. I had a desire to pray on my knees, closing my eyes during prayer and devouring scripture like never before. But was it me or was it the Spirt?
I even got a fresh appreciation for my wife. I think it was a combination of feeling bad and her allowing me back made me feel it was special. But deep down there still was selfish. I managed to persuade her that I had remained pure and so deserved to ‘release’ – so she did that for me. Like many things, she always gave. And I always took.
Counselling a few days later was weird. I got myself confused over whether or not I was a Christian. And I genuinely got my brain in a muddle. I guest I was trying philosophise everything and think about the psychological aspect of everything: like my childhood.
It was clear that I was not repulsed by sin or aware of my wife’s deep hurt. I needed to be broken
After the prayer meeting I spoke to my pastor, and he said that my conscience was completely dull. I wore it down with habitual sin, which made a once-sharp conscience into a smooth circle. I could watch porn and then go to church the next day seamlessly.
I expressed my concern about this ‘change’ I experienced: reading scripture, having a sliver of conscience and praying. He encouraged me though. Rather than worrying about whether it was human power or the Spirit, he just said “What you’re doing is not bad things. So whether it’s you or the Spirit, keep doing it! This is the mystery of the gospel.” That was helpful for me.
I still didn’t understand my mindset: I was slowly becoming aware of my sins: for example swearing.
That week I received plenty of books, sermons and devotionals from friends & family. Got a book on Jonah in the post from my mother in law, called Running From Mercy. It’s quite good. At first I thought it would be just a lightweight book, but it was punchy.
Another thing overwhelmed me: just how kind and gracious my parents in law were in talking with me. After hearing the news, I’m sure my father in law would fly over, get a pair of scissors and do things I don’t even want to think about! But instead he was warm and kind. Supernatural.