Broken Cistern | Please God, destroy my hedonism
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Please God, destroy my hedonism

Two days have past where I have actually talked to my wife. Things are good. I’m eating more and I’m more upbeat. However this is simply a gift God has given me. I must not confuse the creation with the creator. So I praise God for it!

I’ve in essence over paid my wife these past few days. And it’s actually worth it on so many levels. I paid for multiple things for her. But if she cannot see my actions (yet) and disregards my emails (‘just words’) then the only way I can seem to appear selfless is to send her cash. And that’s great. When I was sending her over another £100, it reminded me of that verse to outdo each other in doing good. However, I don’t want to see like I’m buying favour or buying love. But right now, it’s the only way I feel I can serve her.

Received a really heart warming letter from my Grandmother which nearly brought me to tears. She writes “Sin is sin. If you’re sincere you’ve reached a turn point as God has pursued you.”

Despite these positives, I still feel doubt. Do I really possess real salvation? Or am I sliding back into my own self-confidence? Have I truly confessed? Hmm. I feel distant from God in some ways. I don’t want to just tell everyone how quickly things have happened as to appear I’m rushing things. God has met me, but I feel there’s alot more work he’s got left to do. It’s certainly not a one-off.

God, please grant me authenticity, remove my doubt and self-confidence.

Today I searched what Hedonism is. According to a simple Google search, it’s anything about “the pursuit of pleasure; sensual self-indulgence.” If one word can sum up my existence, it’s been about self-indulgence. It’s been about me.

Also today, had temptations to masturbate – however I stayed strong. I waited on God, praise Him!

Also reading Psalm 6. I’m going to paste it out (it’s glorious):

Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger
    or discipline me in your wrath.
Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint;
    heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in deep anguish.
    How long, Lord, how long?

Turn, Lord, and deliver me;
    save me because of your unfailing love.
Among the dead no one proclaims your name.
    Who praises you from the grave?

I am worn out from my groaning.

All night long I flood my bed with weeping
    and drench my couch with tears.
My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
    they fail because of all my foes.

Away from me, all you who do evil,
    for the Lord has heard my weeping.
The Lord has heard my cry for mercy;
    the Lord accepts my prayer.
10 All my enemies will be overwhelmed with shame and anguish;
    they will turn back and suddenly be put to shame.