Broken Cistern | Preparing for the next step
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Preparing for the next step

Titus 3:3-7 / 2:11-14 /

3 At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spiritwhom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.

What’s so significant about this grace? It’s this very grace our marriage needs:

 11 For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. 12 It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age13 while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, 14 who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.

A few days before the call with my wife, I feel so low, so broken. I feel unable to talk. Intense sin, isolation and depression has come over me like waves. This verse has been in my head though: “Let the bones you have broken rejoice.” But I’m despairing what to say. It’s so hard to talk when there’s a mountain of hurt I’ve caused. I don’t know her. She is a part of me. Although a failed relationship, it’s not a failed marriage (covenant before God). So for me the main thing is to repair the relationship.

Spiritually & socially I’m not connected with me wife. To sustain a marriage purely only the sexual aspect (or lust) is impossible. Time for me to repair the relationship and get to know my wife. That’s all I feel I can say on top of confessing and begging forgiveness.

It’s also on my mind that she’s been able to mentally cut me off and has just immersed herself in her old life with her family. I don’t blame her. But maybe it’s her way of coping with the hurt, by drowning it out. It feels as if she’s in denial that’s she been married, and is just trying to live a new life. That’s understandable, but hard for me to see.

But God is good. Always. And if he’s working in my heart for redemption, he can work in her heart for healing. I trust Him in that.

What should my confession look like?

“I failed you. I failed God and I am deeply, deeply sorry. I hate what I did. I hate the hurt it caused you and me. I hate the dishonor that I brought upon the Lord. I hate the disrespect I showed you in not caring for you better. And I repent. I turn away from that sin and sinful forces that drove it. I renounce them. And I turn to Jesus Christ my Lord and my Redeemer and I receive from him his full and blood-bought forgiveness and I cherish it with all my heart. I tremble at the thought of despising his blood now.

“And, by the Spirit that he has given me, I resolve in his strength never, never, never, never to betray him or to give my body to any woman but to my wife. I offer you my forgiven, redeemed, cleansed soul and body in marriage to cherish you and honor you and be faithful to you. I invite you into this new forgiven, redeemed, cleansed union with me. I know there will always be scars and the memories. But God is merciful, and in his time and his wisdom and his way, he will make these scars of sin the emblem of his mercy and the signs of his cross.” Via John Piper